Crazy Tumblr Themes
  • my friends: how does it feel to dedicate your life to a fictional character who isn't real
  • me: pretty fucking great actually thanks



“you’re like a son to me”

“dad, i am your son”

Hi “your son” I’m dad


Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies. For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house


The temp controls in my fridge are the same as the ones in my heart



you’re not allowed to wear a cotton t-shirt unless you’re a true fan! do you go to the fields and look at it? do you appreciate the agricultural implications of a gigantic cotton industry? do you understand the harvesting process? name 5 cotton harvesting machines. didn’t think so

  • 15-year-old me: MOM I'm practically an ADULT ugggh you never let me do ANYTHING in olden times i could get MARRIED *eye roll into another dimension*
  • me now: for my birthday i want food and to stay on your health insurance


when i find stretch marks on my thighs i make a point of smooching them because they’re just doing their best at keeping the all-powerful immortal Being within me from ripping my mortal shell asunder in a blaze of heavenly glory and eviscerating the cosmos in my divine wrath


If u have never mentally claimed food and gotten really angry when someone takes it, you are lying


randomly compliment people because sometimes that will be the only kind words they will hear that day


idk i really like being called cute but i also really like hearing that you masturbate to the thought of me idk





If the multiverse theory is true, then there’s a universe where it isn’t.

Multiverse theory doesn’t cover paradoxical situations

Except in the universe where it does

i’m having an aneurysm


I’m actually concerned for boys who complain about how different girls look without makeup. Like did you think eyeshadow permanently alters a girls eyelid? Are you frightened when people change clothes


sorry mom you’ve hit ask limit


[leans against the wall flirtatiously] [leans too far] [falls over]